Our husbands always have the best intentions. Really all any husband actually cares about is that their wife is happy.. because if she’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy. This year for my birthday I had decided I was going to treat myself to a spa day at the Hilton. A nice hour and a half massage, possibly a facial, glass of champagne and sit by the pool for a good couple hours. I just needed some relaxing Kelly time, and didn’t have a problem giving myself that birthday gift. When I mentioned this to my husband, he says ‘I already got you a massage for your birthday! Don’t worry about it!’ Well, this just made me a very happy lady. Husband points were surely scored.
The day of my birthday comes along and I am ready to RELAX. I’m talking kid-free, mommy isn’t even going to think about you – time. I ask my husband “Ok, where am I headed for my massage?”
“Happy Head” He says.
“I’m sorry what?”
“Happy Head. It’s a massage place. It got really good reviews.”
“Babe. You are sending me to a place called Happy Head for my relaxing massage?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”
Lord help me. Just don’t be rude. Just go and it should be fine.
“Ok babe, I’ll see you when I get back. Love you”
I pull up to the Happy Head. It’s located right in between a Mexican food place and a Starbucks. So I literally had to circle the busy parking lot about 10 times to find a place to park. Once inside, the receptionist walks me to my room and says “take off all your clothes and lay face down on the table”. Holy crap, why do I feel like I’m about to be violated. Ha!
The bed was stiff and the room was cold. So you ladies know, when you are cold, your little leg hairs stick out. Oh great, prickly goose bump legs. I needed a breast pillow- these breastfeeding boobies need some support so they’re not squished down on this stiff table. In walks masseuse.
“Good morning, I will be giving you a massage today”
“Good morning. May I have a breast pillow?”
“A breast pillow. To support my breasts..”
“Ummm… one second.”
She runs out of the room, and a minute later bursts in with the receptionist. Mind you, I am naked on the table with only a very thin sheet covering me.
“What are you asking for? A pillow?” Says receptionist.
“Oh, hi everyone. A breast pillow. To support my boobs. You know, it’s shaped so your boobs fit inside…a breast pillow.”
“Oh, she wants a breast pillow.. No. We don’t have that.”
They leave the room. No big deal, I’m sure the massage will still be just fabulous.
The women begins massage. No warm oil, just her hands. Over the thin sheet. There were elbows and knees involved at different points and this whole time I am freezing and my big boobies are smooshed into the table. She tells me to turn over on my back, I turn over and see the clock. It’s 10:30. I still have 30 minutes left of this. Sweet baby Jesus, that’s a long time. It’s ok. The second half will be great, and I’m really not feeling all that cold anymore. I think I got my blood flowing by turning over, yeah, totally cool here. I’m relaxing… and I’m sure she probably worked out a knot for me, so that’s GREAT. Super relaxed right now.
She starts on the top half. Massaging my arms and shoulders, that feels pretty nice actually. Wait a sec, what’s she doing there? That’s my nose. She’s massaging my nose. Still massaging my nose. I didn’t realize a nose needed massaging. At this point, it’s taking everything in me not to burst into laughter. Then she makes her way to the foot of the bed throws my legs apart and jumps up on the table in between them like a ninja. What the!! This woman is super serious about a leg rub. Did I hear the sheet rip?
Massage over. She doesn’t say a word, she just walks out and closes the door. I’m lying there on the table completely still. Not even blinking. Trying to wrap my brain around what just happened here. Once I come to, I throw on my clothes and run out the door. Well, not before she offers me a tiny paper Dixie cup full of refreshing cold water. I mean, I have bed head, my mascara is all over my face and I don’t even care, I make a beeline straight for the car.
“How was your massage?” Asks my super eager hubby.
I think I just stared at him for a good 30 seconds, before opening my mouth, deciding how to go about the answer to that question.
Poor husband, he felt so bad about that experience. I’m pretty sure he won’t be sending me there again. Luckily I have the best husband in the world, so it was pretty easy to forgive him… Well, the gold watch he gave me at that point, made it super easy to forgive him.
Happy Head. Where a Mom’s dreams of relaxation come true.